Never Trust a Man With a Silicon Wedding Ring
Somebody’s dad used to say “Never trust a man who owns his own pool cue.” Cost aside, if a guy has gone through the trouble of bringing a cue to a bar don’t believe him when he says “Grandma left me this thing, so I figured I’d learn how to play.” You’re being hustled!
Likewise, if a guy walks into your gym with a 500 dollar gi, he might be a rich idiot, but if he’s wearing a silicon ring watch the hell out. Love is a game of giving and take. Whatever he sacrificed in order to spend 3hrs with strangers after work on a weeknight was worth more than $500. At a minimum, you’re dealing with a desperate individual.
In BJJ, flexible wedding rings mean more than just emotional commitment. The hand changes shape over a decade of yanking on fabric. Silicon may be one of the few materials durable enough to survive a training session yet flexible enough to FIT OVER the knuckle of a BJJ lifestyler’s ring finger. This is especially true if the guy has been playing some kind of weird lapel or sleeve guard for the past five years. Putting his feet in your elbows and surprise triangle choking strangers may be one of the few pleasures the man has left. Watch out!
If you practice martial arts and you haven’t converted to a soft wedding ring, it’s time you did. Metal is much harder than flesh, and the possibility of the ring being yanked down your finger in a way that causes a disgusting injury is far from remote. Single men can count on society to find their injuries a source of amusement and potential profit. Not so for the married man, you’ll never hear the end of a catastrophic de-gloving incident and the searing pain that used to remind you that you were alive will now make it harder to “share your space.” Let me show you how to avoid catastrophe while thumbing your nose at the BJJ consumerism best left behind at blue belt.
As you may know from my work with Gum Wallets, I’m a big advocate for turning found objects into luxury items. Using a Trident wallet turned me from anonymous outcast to an insider of Austin’s insular hipster counter culture nearly overnight. (Haven’t heard of me? Well, exactly.) Now at the pinnacle of the social hierarchy, this Garbage Wedding Band is my way of giving back.
The first step is to find a piece of garbage that really represents your commitment. In my case, I chose this lovely carton of “Fat-free lactose-free milk”. I’d never touch the watery stuff but I always have some in the house now, for reasons you can well imagine. Not only does it have symbolic value, but the pull tab for this brand is the right size for my ring finger. Somewhere in the bestiary of American packaging science, there’s a plastic loop that fits your finger too.
Make sure you choose well. Like the package you turn into a wallet, this thing could be with you for several months before it has to be replaced! What’s more, if you decide you don’t like it, it could take literally seconds to discard this kind of ring and make another one.
The next step is the most crucial one. What you’re going to need to do is “cut” or otherwise “take off” the plastic loop and the “put” the loop on your finger. Feel free to DM me if this part trips you up. The key is using the cutting implement on the plastic and not your own fingers.
If you can get past all that, you’ll be ready to roll. Fears of degloving will fade into memory, and you’ll have all the benefits that come with remembering you’re married even when you’re choking other attractive men with your thighs.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention one final point. This Garbage Ring looks so much like commercially available silicon rings people will probably never notice your daring rejection of commercialism unless you tell them directly. Even then, they may feel you are “just kidding.” I suggest starting a blog, writing a few decoy entries so it looks legitimate and then mixing in an entry to the effect that you invented this awesome idea. You can post the entry on Facebook or Instagram or whatever then sit-back and enjoy the mounting benefits of being considered a genius. Go ahead and copy this word for word if you want to, I don’t give a fuck. All I ask is that you include the word “penguin” in the text of your draft so that we can distinguish the original among ourselves. Finally, if somebody notices that you’re wearing a piece of garbage as jewelry and gives you a hard time about it, just say”
Oh this! My friends girlfriend makes these for Etsy. I can get you one if you want.
