The Best Way To Legally Kill Your Elderly Relatives

You’re probably already doing this.

One of my great aunts just died. All things considered she was probably my favorite, but that's a low bar because I am American and as a people, we don't really care for the elderly.

When I say we don't care for the elderly, I’d like to clarify that what I mean is we don't like them. As a society we provide them with consistent financial and medical support and we resent the hell out of it.

Something that's as hard to miss as it to say in public, is that the reason we've had so much “trouble” controlling the corona virus in North America, is that the average American cares less about the continued existence of his or her parents than the average Japanese person.

For most of the USA one of the silver linings of social distancing (no pun intended) has been the ease with which one can now walk past an elderly neighbor without getting sucked into a word for word repetition of a previous boring conversation. Can you look in your heart and say otherwise? If you’re reading an article on this absurd website, you're probably a fellow blogger with a string of articles about how selfish and needy your mother is. (Dads aren't too popular either.)

Don’t worry, I haven't used click-bait to lure you into a scolding! This really is an article about legally and efficiently killing the elderly. It turns out that the reason that many of these elderly people seem so desperate for human contact, is that they die without it.

Below a certain socialization threshold, the elderly get depressed, stop eating and (your guessed it) die. As of this writing you've got another 6 months to make this happen before people start to judge you for it. For the moment its for their own good, so enjoy it while it lasts. (And we wonder why nobody has voluntarily retired from a job since 1985.)

My Aunt’s situation was so grim she lost the will to live, but the generational conflict is going to get much uglier. Covid has shown us that in a society where the elderly are not valued as a good in themselves, the interests of Americans over 65 don't track with those of their grand children.

Geriatric people are increasingly under passive aggressive attack from mobs of blue haired grand kids, who (understandably) have given up on building a financial future in favor getting occasional days off work by causing chaos in the name of politics. When you need a railing to get out of your bathtub, facing down a crowd of red guards seems less appealing than it might have in your 40’s. (Which was in the 80's)

Conversely, Americans born between Woodstock and 9/11 have a legitimate grievance in that the Boomers effortlessly sucked up and continue to hoard resources which could more laudably be used to reward the literary talents of socially conscious bloggers.

A world based on generational transfer of wealth and opportunity can’t function when Great Grandpa knows that retirement means prosecution for tax evasion, neglect, and a protracted lonely death. On the other hand, valuing parenthood or age as positive traits seems so insane by present cultural standards I don't think we can go back.

“My parents are my friends and I like hanging out with them because they are cool. One word about voting republican (or whatever) and I’m gone. Permanently.” — All of Us

I suppose the elderly might use their political clout to legally force us to appreciate them. Although, this has barely been effective in China where the cultural situation is totally different. At the moment they seem rhetorically on the back foot.

A mother wondering why her daughter resents spending time with her, complains about her on twitter, and looks forward to inheriting her house is in the same situation as an ethics professor who can’t get her students to mail their tuition checks (or Venmo payments). The mere fact that the problem exists, seems to prove that the ethics teacher was a fraud from the start. Almost as bad as a college professor who’s lessons made students less employable or capable of self reflection.

Is it any wonder then that the few Americans with happy families and sufficient economic resources to enrich their children and grand children while remaining alive, have banded together to mediate this debate?

We give them the power to protect themselves without interrupting their wonderful lives, and they give us inter alia the power to legally kill our elderly relatives via neglect, thereby reducing our reliance on welfare. Perhaps, after this reset a few more families will figure out how to reach this exulted state and possess the wisdom and resources to make our own decisions about social distancing?

For the moment, its past debate that the majority of the public is too dimwitted and depraved to make decisions about anything at all. And boy do we not “care” for our grandparents.

Vintage European style skull engraving from Annals of Winchcombe and Sudeley by Emma Dent (1877). Original from the British Library. CCO Liscence

Martial Arts, Law, Science, Philosophy文武双全, body hacking, dyslexia

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store